He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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