she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
