I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
