I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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