As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
