My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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