you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
