your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
