I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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