Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
