Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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