I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Randomize
