The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
