Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
