My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
