all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
