I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
