allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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