i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
