I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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