Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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