I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
