Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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