If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
