your parents love me but you hate me
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
