I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize