I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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