one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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