I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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