There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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