oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
