Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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