I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We had to coat check the pizza.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
