It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
