i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
