That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Randomize