when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
