he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
