Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Drunk is a universal language darling
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
