I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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