We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
