I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
