It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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