my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
