What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
