Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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