Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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