You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
