Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
