wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
