There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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