I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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