I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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