I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
send nudes
from the living room?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
