My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
