I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
