i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
