I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
