apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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