I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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