i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
