It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
