well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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