Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
50% drunk capacity currently
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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