Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
