Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
