He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
